Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
