Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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