Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
