if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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