I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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