Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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