Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
