a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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