Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
