Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I feel great
I just peed on a car
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
