im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
