This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
