I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
