She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
