i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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