The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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