i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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