i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
