Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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