I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Green mimosas i think yes
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
