im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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