i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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