so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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