Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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