Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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