OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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