i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
