I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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