my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
