I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
