If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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