why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
