Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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