I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
