It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Let's paint friendship bongs
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
