Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
