If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
