I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
