Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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