She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
