I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
