i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
