K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
