I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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