I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
