when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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