If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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