He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Princesses don't give blow jobs
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
