My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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