Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I intend to get homeless drunk
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
