Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
