I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
