I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
