Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
