went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
