Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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