They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
What drink are we having for lunch?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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